5:30 Coffee: Marriage - Talking it Out

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Marriage - Talking it Out

I'm adding this content from my sermon last Sunday. I'm in the midst of a series titled "What's Love Got to Do with It?" It seemed helpful to people at MLCC. Maybe it can be helpful to some others. Sharlyn said to me this week... "Hey your sermon on Sunday was really good... did I tell you that? Where did you get all that information?" I think she may have been saying, "Why don't you try some of that at home buddy!!" As with most things, the knowing and the doing thereof are two different things. Chesterton said of Christianity, "Christianity has not so much been tried and found wanting, rather it has mostly been wanted and left untried." In any case, hopefully you can find some practical tools here. I've inserted a few quotes I used. I love quotes about anything... well, almost anything.

“I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.” – Rita Rudner

“Elections are a good deal like marriages. There's no accounting for any one's taste. Every time we see a bridegroom we wonder why she ever picked him, and it's the same with public officials.”- Will Rogers

“For two people in a marriage to live together day after day is unquestionably the one miracle the Vatican has overlooked.” – Bill Cosby

Marriage is easy to make fun of it because everyone who has ever been involved in it recognizes that it’s a delight on the one hand, and a work on the other!

God designed marriage to express oneness. Genesis 2:22-24. The two become one in the consummation of the marriage, but there is also a oneness as two lives are united… we have pictures of it with unity candle, the difficulty is in actually attaining the oneness that is part of the covenant, in real terms. It takes work.

Oneness if found through reconciliation of conflict, not the lack of conflict. Conflict shouldn’t be feared… it is…
… a doorway to intimacy.

Gives opportunity to gain understanding.
You can ask questions: “How did that make you feel?
Gives opportunity to give an emotional word picture.

…an opportunity to gather facts:
Let’s talk about the issues in a factual way.
Why or why not do this, go there?
Calms us down and helps us to see with clarity the right thing to do.

…helps us develop our keys for opening the door.
What do I say that shuts you down?
How can I say things that open you up?
You always statements lock the door.
Use “I feel” or “I think” statements that remove blame.

… is an opportunity to express physical/emotional affection:
It’s an opportunity to give a hug… non sexual meaningful touch.
Opportunity to say “I’m sorry.”

The most difficult conflicts are often the most emotionally rewarding.

Conflict resolution ought to be guided by:
-Eph. 4:29-32… no unwholesome words.
-James 1:19… quick to hear… slow to speak.

Conflict is healthy in relationships: “All married couples should learn the art of battle as they should learn the art of making love. Good battle is objective and honest--never vicious or cruel. Good battle is healthy and constructive, and brings to a marriage the principle of equal partnership.” – Ann Landers

Tools to build oneness and address conflict.
Practice withholds (Les and Leslie Parrot)… good or bad. Try this week to have two nights when you share at least two of each. A withhold is something you haven't said, but could. You say, "I really appreciated you bringing me a cup of coffee this morning." They respond only by saying “…thank you for sharing that.” Could be, "My feelings were hurt this morning when you jokingly said I wasn't the sharpest knife in the drawer." They respond by saying, "thank you for saying that."

Practice assertiveness in a relationship that is meaningful to you: Three wishes… “I wish…” Three things… Something like, "I wish that we could take a least two hours one day a week that was just out time, without kids, friends, family, or TV; just to be together.

“Like everything which is not the involuntary result of fleeting emotion but the creation of time and will, any marriage, happy or unhappy, is infinitely more interesting than any romance, however passionate.” W.H. Auden

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Life and Ministry

I've been alive for 46 years... I know that's not much compared to some people, but it's enough that I realize I'm on the downhill side, probably, unless I live past 92! That would be interesting I think. Otherwise, however, I'm at a point of deep reflection... how will the rest be spent. I've been in the same spot for 20 years now, doing pretty much the same work, so it's time for serious evaluation.

There are two things that have challenged my thinking... one old, one new. First, the 9th stage of Eric Erikson's psycho-social development; "Integrity vs. Despair." It struck me twenty some years ago. Erikson basically says that there will be a time when you will begin to reflect on your life and you will conclude that it's been a life full of good decisions and directions, and work done well - if that's the case you'll come away with a sense of integrity; your life has had meaning and purpose. If on the other hand you look back and see that it's been filled with missed chances and squandered opportunities you'll have a sense of despair. I want my reflection to lead me to integrity!

Second, I had a class on 2 Timothy this summer at Regent College with Earl Palmer. He and I had lunch one day and it was just a great encouragement. He said to me, "Never think of yourself as old... I'm nearing 80 and I don't think of myself as old! You have lots of life ahead of you... your most productive years! Realize that you are young and God has alot of stuff for you to do!"

Looking forward!
John

Book Reviews

Are Women Human (Dorothy Sayers): This little book (about 80 pages at most) is a lot of fun, but also profound. It's actually a compilation of two essays - I think both lectures - which Sayers gave around 1938 to a women's group in London. They wanted her to talk about the importance of feminism – which she didn’t want to talk about specifically. She's very fun to read... very British... very to the point... very intelligent and articulate. I read it as preparation for the sermon series in 2 Timothy because I'm trying to think of Paul's treatment of women and this book was suggested to me by Earl Palmer (University Presbyterian - Seattle) at a class I recently took from him. Here, in my estimation, is the essence of Sayer's view, "Women should be doing everything they're gifted to do... but not in order to prove that they can do what men can do. There are fundamental differences between men and women; they're made for different things. If you have to choose between a woman or a man to do a certain task you should choose the one who is best at that task. It gives our lives meaning to do what we're good at... it honors God to do what we're made for. A woman shouldn't become a mechanic to prove that women can be mechanics... nor should she be kept from mechanics because she is a woman. Great treatment of the subject I thought. My view of Paul and women, incidentally, is that he thought very highly of them. He speaks specifically in a coupe places about them being silent, but then talks all over the place about their roles as prophets, teachers, deacons, and "outstanding among the apostles." I take his specific instructions about women and silence to be a specific address to a specific problem. Barth says, "There are no NT letters apart from the troubles of the NT church." He's right about that.
Searching for God Knows What (Donald Miller): Miller is great... his writing style is interesting and very conversational. A little too conversational at times for me. But I love to be challenged by what he's saying, both in this book, and "Blue like Jazz" which is also enjoyable, and challenges some ideas that we have about life, faith, and church. Miller makes me laugh at one moment, and then get very serious the next. Honestly, I howled with laughter during the first chapter, "Fine Wine: The Failure of Formulas." He gave me cause to think anew about Shakespeare’s Play, "Romeo and Juliet." I have to go back and reread it... it's been way too long. Here's a bit of a summary statement for the book, from chapter one: "I realized the gospel of Jesus, I mean the essence of God's message to mankind, wasn't a bunch of hoops we needed to jump through to get saved, and it wasn't a series of ideas we had to agree with either; rather, it was an invitation, an invitation to know God."
Before I Go: Letters to Our Children About What Really Matters (Peter Kreeft):Before I Go: Letters to Our Children about What Really Matters (Peter Kreeft): This is simply a delightful little book. I don't mean "little" in a way to demean it... rather it reads like a little book. There are 161 short letters, from a couple sentences to a couple pages of advice that Kreeft is leaving mostly for his children. Here is a quote from #23, Sacred Time: "Visit a church at least once a week and just spend five minutes in the real presence of Christ in the Blessed Sacrament, just adoring Him. He came a long way for this meeting: all the way from heaven. And He brought you a long way for this meeting: all the way from nothingness, out of which he created you. He thinks this meeting is that important. And you don't? Which one of the two of you do you think has it right?" I love the sacredness of Kreeft's Catholicism. I like his writing. This book is full of good stuff. It's been especially meaningful to me since I'm preaching through 2 Timothy which is Paul's "Last Words" -- literally.
Playing for Pizza (John Grisham): Nothing profound here, but it's an enjoyable read. Maybe I'd classify this as a "feel good" novel. It's not going to change the world, but it's a story with some redemption, victory, set mostly in Parma, Italy. There is some interesting information here about various parts of Italy. Story is an NFL Quarterback, Rick Dockery, who can't seem to make it in the NFL, and ends up playing in the Italian NFL, for the Parma Panthers. They're putting all their hopes on him to win the Italian Superbowl! In the end... Easy read about 260 pages.
Fish!: This is a great little book,sort of expensive for the size of the book, less than a hundred pages. This book is really helpful for getting refocused on how to be a positive influence in a "toxic energy dump."
Real Sex (Lauren Winner): I really like Winner's writing. Heard her speak at the National Pastor's Conference in '07... she's fun. I read another of her books, Mudhouse Sabbath, which I loved. I think you should read this very articulate and frank discussion of Sex within the faith framework. Read it.
Velvet Elvis (Rob Bell): Thought provoking look at the church, faith, and the journey. I'm not crazy about Bell's writing style, but readable, and challenging ideas. I'd recommend it. If the church doesn't stay relevant it will end up the like the "Velvet Elvis" painting Bell found in the basement of his house... obsolete.
His Dark Materials (Philip Pullman): I read the trilogy (The Golden Compass; The Subtle Knife; The Amber Spyglass) as well as Lyra's Oxford. As advertised the books are hard on "the Church" but that's to be expected from Pullman's atheism. The books were a fun read, we're reading them to our boys now. Good opportunity for dialogue about important ideas. Lyra's Oxford was disappointing, and very short. Few observations: (1) "The Church" is probably a little too exercised about this series. (2) I think "killing God" is a little too strong a description of what happens. (3) I think it's very interesting, given Pullman's atheism, that there is so much metaphysical stuff in this series. (4) If you haven't read the books or seen the movie... see the movie first... they foul up everything in the movie which makes it difficult to enjoy if you've read the books. Trilogy books are around 250 pages. Fun, but definitely not The Lord of the Rings, or The Chronicles of Narnia... not close.
Of Mice and Men (John Steinbeck): This is a classic that I'd never read until recently. It's a very interesting portrayal of friendship, caring, and loyalty. It's accessible, and about 90 pages. Glad I read it.

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Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Marriage - Talking it Out

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